Your answers fill the spaces left by my heart
by happycat12
Summary: Ruth has been away for three years, so naturally she has questions once she has returned.  I wrote this a while ago but deleted it from here so am reposting.


"Come in," Jo smiled, wanting to soften the awkwardness of the moment.

She and Ruth had always been firm friends and she hoped that their relationship would soon return to their former naturalness.

"Thanks," Ruth replied, stepping in to the warmth. "Nice place," she began, smiling politely as she looked round the tastefully decorated but cramped apartment.

"Not really," Jo shook her head, "but it's low maintenance and it's what I can afford. Can I get you some tea? Coffee?"

"Tea please," Ruth replied, nodding her head firmly, and settling down into a cosy armchair.

Jo returned a minute later with two mugs in her hands and deposited one of the coffee table in front of Ruth.

"Look at you - you're all brown still," she commented, "You do make me jealous."

Ruth sighed, "now you're making me jealous too of everyone still back home in Cyprus. It's lovely there, so sunny, even in the winter."

"You must miss it," Jo replied softly, thinking in retrospect that she could have selected her conversation opener with greater care.

Ruth nodded but said nothing.

"You should go and see Malcolm," Jo started, "he lives in Brighton now. He likes visitors," she added, smiling to herself as she thought of his reaction to her surprise house call.

Ruth shared her smile, "I will go and see him, I promise. I always liked the beach anyway."

She fell silent after a moment, then started quietly, "Jo, will you tell me how things have been since I've been away – about Adam and Zaf? I'm sorry to ask but I need to know," Ruth started.

Jo took in a breath and steadied her hands against the mug. "Adam died in an explosion. It was a car which was packed with explosives. He drove it away from a built up area to a safe area. Adam always had a liking for cutting it fine but he finally cut it too close I'm afraid."

"But," she hastened to add seeing Ruth's pained expression, "he died a hero. And Harry's looking out for Wes. Go's to his school prizegivings and checks up on him. He's doing well – as you might expect."

Ruth nodded. If Harry was looking out for Wes, the boy would be fine, though the loss of Adam stung. She swallowed, "How long ago was it," she asked carefully, "that it happened?"

"Nearly a year ago. It was November – Remembrance Day," Jo replied. She could still recall that phone call – the wariness in Harry's voice when she'd picked up the receiver.

November. November was the month of Nico's birthday and Ruth recalled that that month had been characterised by ten year olds invading the house for birthday celebrations and special outings to the movies where Nico selected the film of his choice. And in that same month they had lost Adam as the chill of the British winter set in and she had never known.

"And Zaf?" Ruth asked, steeling herself to hear more. She hoped that the pain would come quick and fast and then fade rapidly, much like pulling off a bandaid.

Jo looked down for a moment, contemplating her tea. "I wish I could tell you something different to what I have to say," she replied, looking up at Ruth and meeting her eyes after a moment.

"Zaf was taken when he was on an op. We didn't know what had happened to him for a long while. There was no trace of him. Then we found out he'd been taken by a group called the Redbacks who kidnap intelligence officers and torture them for information, then sell them on. They found Zaf's body in Pakistan," she stopped and blinked, willing the tears not to fall, "he'd been – disfigured."

Ruth made a little noise – sucking in her breath sharply at the word.

"The Redbacks," Jo added, her mouth curling with bitter distaste, "were evil, evil people - capable of things you wouldn't wish to imagine. The same kind you hear about in wars who given a chance would torture and kill without conscience and hurt you just for the sheer pleasure of it."

Ruth felt a lump at her throat as she imagined Zaf – her cheeky, charming friend suffering so cruelly at the hands of those people. "Did they have him for long?" she ventured, hoping that his pain had been brief.

"I don't know precisely. They said," Jo paused and then stopped mid track and choked back the Redback's comments that it had been months and amended, "at least I think it wasn't too long."

Ruth nodded, and tried to smile. Unsuccessfully.

"Things must have been difficult on the Grid while I was away," Ruth commented quietly.

"They were," Jo said simply. "We missed you – Harry most of all. And then me."

"I'm not sure about Harry," Ruth contradicted. She was still angry with him and the feeling wouldn't go away.

"What's Lucas like?" Ruth asked eventually, thinking of tall stranger with the cool manner and inscrutable eyes that had interrogated her only a few days ago.

Jo considered her question, "Sort of - Russian in temperament. He spent eight years there in Prison you know – God only knows how he feels about his country for leaving him to rot there. He's decent and his instincts are good but he's hard to read you know? Really different to Adam."

Adam Jo could predict, Adam she knew. Had known.

"You've changed," Ruth said softly. Jo was still Jo and yet it was easy to see she wasn't the same girl she had been when she had been recruited.

Jo nodded quietly, "A lot - I know." It was the same thing her mother had said to her. She hadn't been able to explain to her the reason why and it hurt to hear the words repeated again by Ruth.

"I suppose I should tell you the rest before you read it in our files Ruth. Lucas was tortured very badly in Russia and I ...was captured by the same people that took Zaf. The Redbacks."

Jo looked down at her hands. "I was so afraid Ruth," her voice almost broke and now she was back there, in that cell, her mind racing over all the things that would be done to her with a certainty that made her ill. "They had already raped me and then I thought that they would do to me what they did with Zaf, only worse. But instead Adam found me and we got out."

Ruth looked over at her friend, her shoulders heaving as if she couldn't breathe as she recounted her experience.

So that was Jo's story then. No wonder she had changed so much.

"I still have dreams about it," Jo added.

Ruth shook her head sadly, "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you Jo. You could have used a friend."

That was true, for Ruth had always been a good friend to her. But she had someone.

"I had Adam," she replied.

"I miss them both every day," Jo finished, contemplating her cup. So much – Adam, her brother in everything but name and Zaf who seemed to stand for everything she had lost – lost youth, lost chances, lost love. _LV2._

She looked across at Ruth, who was clearly struggling with her emotions. It was harder for her because she was hearing the truth about Adam and Zaf for the first time. She leaned over and patted Ruth's hand.

"So do I," Ruth replied. Slowly a few solitary tears gathered on her eyelashes then silently made their way down her cheek and because it was Jo she didn't bother to hide them.

"You have Harry though. You should remember that," Jo added finally, and this time Ruth didn't argue.

The silence lingered and settled as dusk began to fall.


End file.
